What is Dominance

There's been a lot of talk about dominance on Hubpages lately. Some people say that it behooves a married woman to allow her husband to be dominant. This strikes me as odd, because if he is dominant, why does he need anyone to allow him  to do anything? If he's not dominant, then how in the world can somebody else make him dominant?

What it comes down to is a very strange usage of the word dominance. I propose that before we get into a heated argument about who necessarily needs to be dominant in any given relationship, we should first of all agree on what dominance actually means.

Dominance is having control, power or governance over a situation. When individuals are together in a relationship, the ones who cast the decisive vote as to what should happen among them are the more dominant parties. Dominance is not about exchanging material goods. It is about decision making powers.

For instance, in the mother/infant relationship, the mother is normally dominant, until the child attains independence. Even though the mother serves the infant, and more goods and services flow from the mother to the infant than from the infant to the mother, the mother gets to decide what happens between them. The infant starts out as virtually helpless.

Dominance is not about who gets more. Dominance is not about what happens between people. It is about who decides what will happen.

If you are confused about this issue, don't feel bad about it. Many primatologists are equally confused. For instance, there have been reports that in bonobo society females are dominant. These claims were in part based on observations of food sharing behavior. When bonobos were provisioned with sugar cane, the females and their young were seen taking their share first, and then, only when they had finished, did the males go in to take what was left.

The primatologists observing this at first assumed that taking food was what everyone wanted to do, and that if the males had to wait till the females finished, the females must be dominant. But then it was observed that it was the older males who enforced this rule among the younger, less powerful males. Young, inexperienced males were castigated by older, more powerful males for trying to cut in before the females had finished.

What the primatologists had witnessed was an example of chivalry. The males were dominant, and they used their dominance to protect and show deference to the females and their young. They understood that if the males took everything they could, there would be none left for the females and their young.

In human societies, explicit formal ranking sometimes replaces actual dominance. This means that a person is placed in charge of a situation, even though another person on the scene is more intrinsically dominant. Sometimes a commanding officer is less charismatic or brave or strategically brilliant than one of the soldiers he commands. Sometimes a student knows more than a teacher. Sometimes one party is the nominal head of the family, while another family member really dominates the scene.

So it happens that even though someone is younger, less experienced than another, or less educated, the better person for the job comes to dominate the situation naturally, based on personal characteristics. What should the naturally dominant person do, when he is outranked formally?

This depends. In times of peace, when nothing much is at stake, showing deference to a less able commanding officer may be the right thing to do. However, in the thick of battle, it might really matter what decision is made, and at times the naturally dominant person will have to stand up to the one who outranks him, for the sake of everybody.

All things being equal, adults usually outrank children, better educated people outrank those with less education, and men tend to be better warriors and hunters than women. However, real dominance is not a matter of statistics. It is about what happens when individuals meet and interact. Sometimes quite unexpectedly, a person with lesser social rank can come to be dominant. An unlettered peasant woman can lead an army. A little child can out-think his masters. And a queen can not merely reign, but rule.

Because truly dominant individuals tend to show deference to those whom they dominate, it is not always easy to tell at first glance who is dominant in any given situation. Watch the clip I've embedded above of the scene from Meet John Doe. In this scene, Barbara Stanwyck plays a very strong and determined woman who socially outranks the character played by Gary Cooper. But who is really dominant? If you have any thoughts about this, leave me a note in the comment section!

I work and live with an eight and a half year old male chimpanzee named Bow. I am his adoptive mother, and I socially outrank him. However, he gets his way an amazing percentage of the time. When I want him to do something, I have to ask nicely, or it doesn't get done. Do I dominate Bow or does he dominate me? I'm not sure. It's a close call.

What about dominance in marriage? I can't say from personal experience, but from observing other people's marriages, I would say that it varies. It depends on the individuals involved. Is he a stronger person? Is she? The dynamic can even vary between different stages of the same marriage.

But what is ideal? Well, ideal is whichever way you like it! But even here, dominance is not something the parties can agree upon. It's something that happens based on who they are as individuals. Like love, dominance can't be faked.

Ayn Rand very much wanted to be in a relationship with a man who would play the dominant role both in the bedroom and elsewhere. However, she was a very strong woman, and all the men she met were weaker. She married Frank O'Connor, and she tried very hard to play the submissive wife, but it didn't work, because nobody can give another person dominance. You either have it or you don't.

A woman can pretend all she wants that her husband is dominant, but it's really not up to her. The most she can do is to show deference. That's all anybody can do.

(c) 2010 Aya Katz